


Strength and Weakness

by EmberTheDragon



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mutant Reader, Nick Fury Knows All, Nicknames, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark Friendship, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reader-Insert, Self-Esteem Issues, Survivor Guilt, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-04-07 14:19:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19086784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmberTheDragon/pseuds/EmberTheDragon
Summary: Begins immediately after the events of Captain America: Civil War, except Nick Fury didn't yeet and is in charge of the compound, but SHIELD is still gone (it's not that complicated, don't worry). After being beaten (quite literally) by Captain America, Tony Stark discovers that one super soldier was left alive on accident by Baron Zemo, you. You wake up in a strange world and a new time, having been frozen since the 1940s like Steve and Bucky were. You must learn to heal from your past hydra trauma and brainwashing.* this work is currently abandoned. Updates may or may not return*





	1. Waking up

**Author's Note:**

> I feel as though there should be a disclaimer that the reader has a lot of PTSD. With this comes the disclaimer that I don't have PTSD, nor am I an expert on it, so it won't always be accurate. My first chapters are always really short because they're just for introduction, but future chapters will be longer. I plan to update this fic every Monday.

You gasped to life in your still cold containment chamber. Your eyes scanned the room for those who woke you up, expecting a room full of scientists or hydra operatives like usual. Instead, you were greeted with an empty, dark room, and pain coming from your left shoulder. Looking down, you saw a gaping bullet hole positioned dangerously close to your heart. 

A clash of something metal, alongside something that sounded like a gun made you shrink back into your prison, hand rising to put pressure on your wound. The bleeding had already slowed a bit, thanks to your enhanced healing, which meant you would live. 

"Hello?" You called out tentatively, silently praying no one would answer. "Is anyone there?"

With no answer, you began to gently extract yourself from the chamber as best you could with only one working arm. Once free, you began walking around the underground bunker, quietly searching for a sign of life. While you didn't see anyone anywhere, you knew you wouldn't have woken up naturally. Plus, the sounds you heard moments earlier made you believe that someone else was there. Fresh blood on the ground showed that a fight had taken place recently, but how recently was the question.

The exit to the facility was wide open. Your heart leapt in your chest at the sight of freedom, even if you had no clue where you were or how you could live on your own without eventually being caught. But just a few minutes of freedom would be enough after a lifetime of torture and imprisonment. You paused at the side of the doorway, not daring yet to peek through and see what awaited you. Hydra had used similar tactics before to easily transfer you without them having to use your trigger words.

A pained groan from the other side of the doorway peaked your curiosity.

"Hello?" You called again, voice shaky with fear.

"Who's there?!" A confused, threatening, and slightly scared voice called.

You furrowed your eyebrows in equal levels of confusion, and stepped into the doorway. 

"I-" You stopped seeing the man's condition. 

He was badly beaten. His left eye was bruised and cuts covered his face, and he was holding his left arm as though it was injured.

"Who are you?!" He spat.

"Soldier 13, sir" You moved to stand at attention, wincing as your shoulder spiked with pain. "You awoke me, sir?"

At this the man moved to an equal state of confusion.

"No, I didn't" He huffed. "The hole made from the bullet must have leaked the freezing agent from the chamber, which woke you up. I had nothing to do with it"

"You're not...Hydra?" You cringed, hoping that it was true.

" _No_ " He spat, back on the defense. 

He began to move towards you threateningly, and you began to back up.

"No, but I know them. You worked for them, huh? _You're a soldier?_ " He continued stalking towards you. " _Answer me!_ "

"Yes, I was sent on missions" You felt panic rise, tightening your chest. "I was brainwashed and sent on missions"

He reached out and grabbed you by the neck. Your arms raised to defend yourself, but he tightened his grip in warning, and you lowered your arms weakly.

"How many did you kill?!" He yelled in your face.

You struggled to answer, to think of a number. This only seemed to anger him more.

" _How many innocent lives did you take?!_ " He tightened his hold, making it so you could no longer breath.

Your arms raised to claw at his hands and tears began to streak down your face. He let go and you fell to the ground, gasping, coughing, and beginning to sob.

"I don't know" You whispered hoarsely.

"You don't know?" He sounded disgusted.

"I don't remember!" You cried. "They use me like a puppet. I go out, I kill without control, I come back. Sometime they wipe me, sometimes they don't"

Silence fell between you two as you began to weep. After a while, you heard him sigh.

"You have no control over anything, do you?" His voice still sounded bitter, but there was a hint of pity. You shook your head no. "What's your name?"

You sobbed harder and shook your head again.

"What, you don't want to say?" He huffed.

"I don't remember" You choked out.

"You don't remember your own name?" He sounded incredulous, and you nodded. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I just had a run in with a buddy of yours, another super soldier. He...I have a personal issue with him and I took it out on you because your like him. I'm not gonna hurt you from now on"

"Okay" You croaked, voice damaged from being choked.

"Let me take you somewhere safe, get you healed up, and then you can do whatever from there, alright? That sound okay?" He offered his hand.

"Okay" You managed, but helped yourself up without taking his hand or meeting his gaze.

"I called a buddy, helicopter should be waiting for us up top" He explained while leading you out of the door.

"What's that?" You asked, looking at a red and gold suit laying on the ground.

"A helicopter? It's- uh- it's sort of like...jeez, when were you frozen?"

"No, I know what a helicopter is. I meant that" You pointed to the suit.

"Oh, that. That's an armor that I invented and use. I call it the iron man suit" He began walking up a set of stairs.

"Is this friend of yours trustworthy?" You hesitated at the bottom of the stairs.

"Well, he probably sent a buddy, but yeah, he's trustworthy" He motioned for you to continue following and you complied.

"What is your name?" You found yourself asking.

"Uh.. Tony" Tony gave a tight lipped smile. "Tony Stark"

You paused again, furrowing your eyebrows together.

"Stark?" You asked.

"Yeah?" Tony also paused, looking both concerned and confused.

"I.. I remember something about a Stark. Before I was captured- I-...I think I knew someone with that name"

"You captured by hydra somewhere in the forties?" He asked, and you nodded. "Yeah, you knew one. Howard Stark. He was the most famous inventor at the time, and everyone knew him or knew of him"

"Oh" You said, disappointed at the loss of a connection to anything real. Anything part of this time.

"So, when was the last time you were..um..woken up?" Tony asked awkwardly.

"I think...maybe the sixties?" You wondered aloud. "Computers were there"

You both reached the top and Tony opened the door. Cold air hit you and you swiftly backed up as far as possible.

"It'll be warmer on the helicopter" Tony chided, motioning for you to follow again.

"It's not that" You felt sick with fear and clutched the railing on the stairs until your knuckles turned white. "I can't do this"

You crumpled to the floor and held you head in your hands. Memories came flooding back, each one of you being locked in a cold chamber and frozen again and again and again. You could feel yourself being shaken, and eventually your vision focused back on reality.

"Hey, you with me?" Tony asked, looking mildly concerned.

"Uh-huh" You gasped. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't go out there, I'm sorry"

"It's okay, hey, take some deep breaths, alright? Your stressing out, but that's alright too. You just focus on taking deep breaths and calming down. We'll figure out how to get you out of here later. That sound good?"

You nodded and focused on breathing like you were instructed. Eventually you calmed down enough to breath normally, and you let Tony help you stand.

"Do you want to try again, or do you want to think of another way?" He asked.

"I...I want to try again" You swiped away a few stray tears.

"Okay" Tony said gently, leading you to the exit once more.

This time, Tony placed a hand on your upper back before opening the door. When the cold air hit, you began to cry again, and you leaned into Tony. He let you, and slowly stepped forward. When you followed him, he began to walk towards the helicopter a little faster. Once inside, warm air surrounded you and allowed you to relax. Tony began to strap himself in until he looked over and saw you struggling with the various buckles. He sighed and unbuckled himself to come over and help you, then returned to his seat and re-strapped himself in. 

"Thank you" You said softly.

Tony sent you a genuine smile before tapping the window in front of you both. The pilot began flying home and before you knew it you had fallen asleep on the way there.

*Time skip and Tony's POV*

Arriving at the avenger's compound was interesting to say the least. With a lot of hesitation, the soldier was finally convinced that the doctors weren't a threat, and that they simply wanted to remove the bullet. Frankly, she was extremely lucky to be alive. Especially since most of the other soldiers were shot in the head, rather than the heart.

Tony went immediately to visit Rhodey, who was still on bed rest. Their visit was promptly interrupted by Nick Fury storming in the room.

"You mind telling me why you brought a brainwashed, PTSD stricken, injured super soldier to my compound with absolutely zero warning?" He pointed a finger at Tony.

"Well, gee, I would have told you except, oh yeah, your golden boy Captain America distracted me a bit by wrecking my suit and becoming a wanted criminal" Tony crossed his arms and saw Rhodey roll his eyes at him.

"Well why is she here?" Fury sat in an empty chair and crossed his arms in return.

"Exactly the reasons you just said. She's brainwashed, PTSD stricken, and injured. Plus, she has no family, no home, no job, nothing. I figured we could rehabilitate her, and then she can sort herself out from there"

"Fine" Fury stood and walked towards the door. He turned his head back to throw one last comment back. "You're in charge of her. If she gets into trouble, it's your fault"

Tony balked as Fury left the room and Rhodey began to laugh beside him.

Of course he'd get stuck with her.


	2. Progress

You woke up not knowing where you were and immediately sat straight up in bed. It smelled like a hospital. Bright lights amplified the bright white room. You felt an IV in you and began clawing at it frantically, trying to escape while you were unattended. You detached the IV and flung yourself out of the bed, praying the room was unlocked. A feeling of weakness hit you as you reached the door, and the room began to spin a little. The door wouldn't budge, but further analysis lead you to simply break the door off it's weak hinges. You began flying down hallways, past nurses and doorways, hoping to see any route for an exit. In your scanning for an exit point, you stopped paying attention to what was in front of you, and before you realized it you were crashing into someone, sending you sprawling onto the floor. Pain spiked from your shoulder and made you cry out in hurt and fear.

"Hey, woah, hi" A familiar voice called. "Hey- up here. You!"

You looked up and saw someone you thought you recognized, and began thinking on who they could be.

"It's just me. Tony, remember?" Tony extended a hand.

You stood up without taking it. Tony. Good memories. He helped you leave hydra.

"Hi" You answered meekly.

"What are you doing up? You're supposed to be on bed rest for at least two more days" Tony tapped his own shoulder. "Bullet hole. Remember? You lost a lot of blood"

You continued standing silently.

"Look, I took you off the hydra base. You passed out when we landed here. Doctors took you in and patched you up, gave you a few words when you woke up" Tony sighed and held out his hands in surrender. "You probably don't remember, and that's okay. You just have to trust me"

"Do I have to stay?" You ventured, trying to test him.

"You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. But the doctors recommend just two more days in this place" Tony waited to see your next move.

"Okay" You crossed your arms over your belly in calm surrender. "I'll go back"

"Alright, I'll take you back" Tony began leading you through the hallways, back to where you woke up.

Panicked doctors were going in and out of the room, talking to nurses and making frantic phone calls.

"Oh boy" Tony muttered. "Stay here. I'll go calm them down"

Tony sauntered over with a big smile and began talking down the situation. After a few moments he waved over to you.

"See, she's right here. No harm done, right fellas?" Tony moved to put a reassuring hand on your back, making you jump and move away.

He withdrew his hand quickly and looked a bit shocked.

"I'm sorry" You murmured. "I thought you were going to hit me"

"Why on earth would I-" Tony shut his mouth quickly. "Never mind. I'll ask permission next time, or at least tell you what I'm doing, alright?"

"Okay" You nodded, moving into the hospital room.

Your room was still a bit of a mess from your earlier flee. The door had been moved from the floor to the wall beside the doorway, and your IV drip was left discarded and knocked over. You sat on the edge of the bed and actually took in the room for once. Everything was white and sterilized. There was no furniture, aside from a small bedside table and a few spare chairs for visitors. Tony sat in one of them.

"Did you do that?" Tony motioned to the broken door.

"Yes" You found yourself flushing with embarrassment. "Sorry"

"No, no. You were confused. It's fine" Tony waved you off. "Anything in particular that bothered you about this place? That set you off?"

"It's like hydra" You shivered.

Tony waited for you to elaborate.

"Everything's white. The walls, the floor, the ceiling, the sheets, everything. And the lights are blinding. Plus there was the IV" You shrugged. "I woke up and I didn't know where I was. Just like always"

Tony's eyes shot down to the floor.

"I'm sorry"

"It's not your fault. It's just a hospital, right? I can handle that" You shrugged. "Eventually"

"Can I ask you a very different question?" Tony looked up at you. "You don't have to answer it"

"Sure"

"What do you know about James Buchanan Barnes?" You furrowed your eyebrows. "They called him the Winter Soldier"

"Oh. I knew him" You thought hard about everything you knew. "I don't remember much, but I think he was there longer than me. He was the first"

"First?"

"Of the super soldiers hydra created" You frowned. "He always fought"

"Well, I knew that" Tony looked exasperated. 

"No, hydra. He always fought them. Every single time they needed him, it was like they had to re-wipe him of everything he knew before applying the brainwashing just to get him to do _anything_. He always fought against them" You swallowed hard as you remember the next part. "They made an example out of him"

"What do you mean?"

"They showed us what would happen if we didn't comply like him. They used to torture him in front of us as a warning" You felt a tear slip down your cheek before realizing you were even close to crying. "That's all I remember"

"That's okay. Let's talk about happy things instead" Tony smiled to try and lighten the mood. "You wanna go see the gardens?"

"I thought I'm on bed rest?" You looked at him quizzically.

"You know what, if you can do that-" Tony motioned at the busted doorway. "Then I'm sure you'll be fine for a few hours outside"

"Alright" You stood and moved toward the doorway, with Tony following.

Tony stopped in the hallway and said a few hushed words to a doctor before continuing to lead you down the hallways and out of the building. It was midday, and the warm sun felt good on your skin. After blinking back the bright light, you stopped short and gasped at the world around you. Tony stood back while you took a few steps forward. You could smell the grass and flowers. Could hear water running somewhere nearby. Almost all of your missions were at night, and what finally undid you was the sound of birds chirping. You sat on the ground and closed your eyes, quietly crying while you listened to them sing.

"I'm gonna touch you, if that's okay" You nodded to Tony and felt a hand be placed on your non-injured shoulder. "Is it too much?"

"No!" You eyes shot open to him, completely aghast. "No, please don't take be back inside! Please!"

"I won't! You just slumped to the ground and I thought it was too much at once, that's all. You can stay" Tony motioned to a bench further into the garden.

You got up and sat with him, each staying quiet a moment longer.

"I just don't remember the last time I heard birds" You smiled softly at him.

"Wow" Tony's eyes widened. "That's the first time I've seen you smile"

You went back to looking at your surroundings. When a butterfly drifted by, you audibly gasped and pointed to it. You immediately withdrew your arm in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I probably look like a silly little child right now" You began playing with your hair to distract yourself.

"You know, it's refreshing seeing someone genuinely excited about life" Tony shrugged. "I like it"

You smiled again, feeling comforted by his words.

"And you know what else" Tony suddenly began rummaging through his pockets before pulling out a small device. "You need a name"

"Oh yeah" You smiled sheepishly.

"So, I'm gonna take a picture of your face, and see if you're in any records at all" Tony pointed the device at you.

You let him take the picture, then watched him work on the object.

"That's a camera?" Your eyebrows scrunched together.

"Kind of. It's my phone" Tony smiled.

You snatched the object out of his hand, and he gave a little noise of protest.

"It's so small!" You gasped. "It takes pictures now?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Forties gal" Tony gestured for you to give the phone back, and you reluctantly turned it over. "Phones can do all sorts of stuff now. Play movies, call people, take pictures, send texts, connect to the internet-"

"What's a text?" You began peering over Tony's shoulder at what he was doing.

"It's like a short letter that you send electronically"

"Cool! What's an internet?"

"The internet is a place where you can find information, videos, and honestly just about anything"

"Wow, and it fits in your pocket?"

"Yep. And, I found you a name" Tony smiled exultantly. "You are not just a you. You are (y/n) (y/l/n)."

"(Y/n)" You leaned back against the bench. "I like it"

"Me too, it fits you" Tony agreed, taping a few more things on his phone.

"Is there anything else about me?" 

"You were a strategist, and helped co-ordinate the army's movements during the war before you went missing" Tony scrolled down a bit. "The only person who reported you missing was your father and sister. That's all I've got"

"A father and sister" You looked at the ground. "Is it bad that I'm almost glad that I don't remember them? Because then I don't know if I'd miss them?"

"I don't think so" Tony checked his watch. "Well, I should get you back. Any longer out here and I'll get in trouble"

"Oh, and are you in charge of me?" You teased a bit. Tony looked taken back.

"Actually, yes" He chuckled. "But I'm glad. You make the job fun"

You walked back and reached your door, which was now back on its hinges. When you walked inside, you were greeted with a surprise. A small gray rug sat on the floor, the walls were now a soft blue instead of the harsh white, and the bed had darker blue sheets on it.

"What..." You looked around the room in surprise.

"Couldn't do anything about the lights" Tony shrugged. "But we did our best"

You looked at him in shock.

"Tony! This is... I don't even..." You stopped, not knowing what to say. "Can I- Can I hug you?"

"If..you're okay with it" Tony looked equally as shocked.

You walked up carefully and hugged him gently, feeling genuinely warm and fuzzy when he hugged back.

"Thank you for this" You stepped back, still glowing with happiness.

"Well, I've got one more surprise" Tony pulled out an object from what seemed like thin air. "Tada!"

"Thank you" You took the object from him. "What, uh, what is it?"

Tony burst into a fit of laughter.

"Sorry, I- I just...the look on your face!" Tony took a few breaths to calm down. "It's a laptop. It's one of the new kinds of computers. It connects to the internet. Here, I'll help you get set up and used to everything"

~Time Skip~

"Rhodey, I have a problem" Tony slumped in the chair next to Rhodey, who set his newspaper down with a sigh.

"And what is that?" Rhodey rolled his eyes as he got the feeling this was another one of Tony's exaggerated issues.

"I think I might have a bit of a crush" Tony flung an arm over his eyes and groaned loudly.

"What? Tones, you've been in a slump ever since Pepper and you broke it off. Isn't this a good thing?" Rhodey sighed as Tony shook his head. "Why isn't a good thing, Tony?"

Tony muttered something under his breath.

"Tony!" Rhodey scolded in annoyance.

"It's the forties chick. The one we brought in from hydra" Tony removed his arm to gauge Rhodey's reaction.

"I see" Rhodey tried to think of a response, but was lacking.

"Oh, Stark, there you are. Good" Fury strode into the room. "Just to let you know, I'm taking the girl off your hands tomorrow"

"Her names (y/n). Looked up her picture" Tony continued to stare at the ceiling. "Can I ask why?"

"Psyche evaluation. We need to know how damaged it is up there, and what we need to work on" Fury moved to leave.

"Just, take it slow, will ya?" Fury turned back in surprise and Tony moved to make a quick recovery. "She just.... she does better when you do things slowly. Talk about things as she's comfortable with talking about them. That sort of thing"

"I'll keep that in mind" Fury stood like a statue. "You wanna tell me something?"

"Nope!" Tony said a little too quickly. "Just telling you how to keep and ex-assassin happy"

"Right. I'll take my leave then" Fury left the room.

"You're so screwed" Rhodey quipped from behind his paper.

"What? Why? How?" 

"You _really_ like her" Rhodey lowered his newspaper to give a victorious smirk.

"Told you I had a problem" Tony muttered, slumping back in his seat.


	3. One step forward, two steps back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning that this chapter is REALLY heavy. It is high in angst. The reader has A LOT of PTSD, survivor's guilt, and self-worth issues. Not for the faint of heart.

You woke up with a start from your nightmare, finding yourself to be blinded by bright lights. You jumped out of bed to run, but stopped short when you gazed around the room. No white walls, only soft blue. Blue? Right! Not hydra, Avengers. Safe. You sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh and ran a tired hand over your face. You weren't sure what time it was, but it had to have been early morning due to the lights being on. The door opened and you cast your gaze upwards.

"Ms (y/n)? Do you know where you are?" Someone who looked like an agent asked.

"Yes, I'm at the Avenger's headquarters, in the hospital ward until I rehabilitate" You responded. You noticed the surprise on the agent's face and pointed at the walls. "They're blue. It made me stop and think about where I was"

"So that helps?" The agent had a clipboard and scribbled something.

"Yes, but you writing stuff down on a clipboard is setting off some alarms. Is there something I should know about?"

The agent looked a bit embarrassed and lowered the clipboard with an apology.

"Fury sent me to get you. We wanted to run a psyche evaluation on you. We thought that maybe, if you want, we could try some therapy to help rehabilitate you, depending on the results of the evaluation" The agent explained.

"So... you want me to come with you?" You asked, hesitating.

"If you would. No one will force you" The agent stepped back from the door, awaiting your response.

"What's your name?" You got off the bed and walked towards the door.

"Jackson" He replied, leading you down the hallways and into an elevator.

"Nice to meet you" You murmured.

When you reached the top Jackson showed you to a room where he claimed the evaluation would take place. It was nothing like you expected. While you had been thinking of a standard interrogation room, with a desk, a bright light, and two chairs, this room was much more welcoming. There were plush chairs and even a couch, with everything being a bright, cheerful color. You took a seat and waited for Fury, as instructed by the agent.

When Fury finally entered, it was a stark contrast from the rest of the room. He wore all black, with an eye patch to cover up a clearly damaged eye. He wore a serious look, and sat down across from you, clipboard in hand.

"Hi" Fury started.

"Hello" You replied, voice small and slightly frightened.

"Oh, you don't need to be scared of me. I just look tough to keep all these idiots focused and on task" Fury gave a small smile. "But I'm not gonna do that with you, because you're probably scared out of your mind already. I'm just here to ask you questions, and we can stop when you're ready to stop"

"Okay" You relaxed a little bit, deciding that this man seemed very open and honest. At least about what he was saying right now.

~Tony's POV~

He watched her from behind the one-way glass and let out a rueful sigh.

"Something wrong, Mr. Stark?" Jackson asked.

"No" Tony lied.

In truth, he was scared that you weren't ready for this yet. Or that you'd be deemed too far gone. Or that Fury would uncover something about (y/n) that was _really_ bad. But she didn't seem so bad the day he spent with her, so really, how bad could it be? At least, that's what he keeps telling himself. His thoughts broke when Fury began to ask the first question.

"So, you worked for hydra?" He began, clip board in hand.

"Kind of" She shrugged loosely. "Wasn't exactly my choice"

"Will you tell me about it?" Fury prompted.

She took a deep, steadying breath. She was scared, and Tony could tell, and it drove him crazy.

"I...I was brainwashed into submission until I could be controlled using trigger words. I was then sent on whatever missions they wanted" Her arms now circled her frame.

"Do you remember the missions at all?"

"Only the ones they didn't wipe from my mind. But they're weird. It's like I know what's going on and I'm trying to get myself to stop, but I can't" Her voice was hushed now. "It's like two different memories spliced into one. It's like my brainwashed self killing over and over and over again, relentlessly to complete any mission. But the other side of me, the _me_ side of me, is screaming to stop, to get control, to run away"

"I see" Fury spoke calmly and with a lower tone now, almost verging on empathetic. "And what happened on those missions?"

"I...I..." (Y/n) started, looking overwhelmed.

"That's alright" Fury cut in. "You're not there yet, and that's okay. Let's move to a different time. What are some difficulties you have in the present? I hear that you aren't a fan of the cold"

"No" She said shakily. "It reminds me of the cryo-chambers"

She was getting worked up. She was going to panic soon.

"What else?" Fury prompted.

' _Why is he pushing it?!_ Tony thought angrily.

"White rooms and bright lights" She was breathing heavier now. "And loud noises. I hate them. And..."

Fury was quiet and let her continue.

"And I feel like....I shouldn't be alive" She murmured as quietly as possible. "I feel like I did so many _horrible_ things, that I should have just died with the rest of the super soldiers"

"Do you feel as though because of your past, that you deserved to die?" Fury asked, eyebrows knit together in focus.

"Sometimes" The word seemed to tumble from her lips before she could stop it.

Tony felt his heart breaking.

"Do you have any thoughts of self-harm?" Fury looked concerned now.

Tony's breath caught in his throat as he waited on your response.

"No" You shook your head thoughtfully. "I don't think I could do it myself. But sometimes, when it's really bad, I just wish it would....happen"

"When what's really bad?" Fury asked, a bit confused.

"I have dreams" You whispered, seeming to curl in on yourself.

"Of what?"

"Of what I've done. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and out of breath. Sometimes I have to watch some of the worse missions over again, and I wake up crying" She bit her lip, and her eyes watered. "I..sometimes.."

"You can tell me, it's okay" 

"I have one dream that I have at least three times a week, and it's always the same" She visibly shuddered.

"Tell me about it?" Fury prodded.

' _No, don't push her any further!_ Tony felt helpless behind the glass.

"I'm on a mission. And I go into this one alleyway as a short cut. I'm trying to track down my target, but I come across this one young lady. I'm not supposed to be seen so....I..." She swallowed hard. "I shoot her"

She broke down into tears.

"What makes this mission different from the others?" Fury continued.

Something rose up in Tony. He _had_ to get her out of there before she completely lost it.

"Her face!" (Y/n) sobbed. "I can't ever forget the look on her face when I shot her"

She broke down then, sobbing harder and beginning to hyperventilate, holding her head in her hands. Tony knew that look. She was having a flash back again. He stormed past the agent who called after him fervently, and barged into the room.

"Stark, what the hell are you doing?" Fury shouted.

"Jesus Christ, it's her fucking PTSD!" He moved across the room to you, trying to speak gently to you, but you wouldn't respond. "What the hell?! I told you to take it slow!"

Tony was seething and sent glares towards Fury. Fury stood up and moved away, deciding to scold Tony a different time.

"Hey, (y/n), you need to snap out of it" Tony put his hands over your trembling ones. "You're okay, you're safe"

"No, no, no" She chanted, tears pouring down her face.

Tony went against his better judgement and pulled you closer, holding you tight to his chest in an embrace. This shocked Fury and his eyebrows shot straight up.

"Hey" Tony force your gaze to meet his. "Hey! You're safe, remember?"

Her breathing began to slow, and she stopped sobbing as heavily.

"Yeah, remember?" Tony stroked your hair. "It's okay, you're not captured anymore. You're free now"

You nodded deftly, still focused on your breathing.

"Better?" Tony asked, rubbing your back and continuing to whisper calming things to you.

Eventually, you were soothed enough to leave his embrace.

"Can someone get her a fucking glass of water, please?" Tony rubbed a hand over his face tiredly. "(Y/n), I gotta go right now. I'll be back soon, but they'll take care of you"

Once you nodded your okay, Tony stood and calmly walked from the room. He continued walking until he got to the end of the hall. Once alone, he leaned against a wall, putting his head back and covering his face with his hands.

"SHIT!" He yelled suddenly, turning and punching the wall to let off some steam.

"What'd the wall do to you?" Fury asked calmly.

"You're presence isn't really wanted right now" Tony waved a hand towards Fury, noticing that his knuckles were bleeding quiet a bit. Hands weren't much of a match against Avengers quarter's reinforced walls.

"You have some explaining to do" Fury crossed his arms. " _Before_ you get back to babysitting"

~Time skip, your POV~

You sat outside, underneath a huge tree, curled up against yourself.

You had said too much. Now they knew too much.

They knew you were broken.

You heard a voice calling your name, but didn't respond at first, not wanting to be found in your secluded hiding spot. You realized after a few calls that it was Tony's voice, and it only made you curl into a tighter ball. When he spotted you, he began walking towards you purposefully. You put your head down onto your knees to hide your face.

"Hey" He called softly to you.

You didn't respond, and he sat down next to you, leaning against the large tree.

"Do you...feel any better?" Tony asked awkwardly.

You gave a small shrug, head still buried.

"I'm sorry he pressured you so much. I didn't realize-" Tony began.

You lifted your head, tears forming in your eyes.

"What are you _doing?_ " You asked calmly.

"I'm..." Tony looked surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Why are you apologizing? Why are you trying to make me feel better? Why do you even _care about me?_ "

Tony sat with his mouth agape, at a loss for words.

"You heard what I said. There's worse. I'm a monster!" You shouted finally, curling in on yourself again as you felt the tears slip down your face.

"No, you're not" Tony stated, almost angrily. "You can't help what hydra made you do"

You shrugged, breathing in a ragged breath.

"(Y/n), look at me" Tony waited until you met his gaze. "You can't help what hydra made you do. It isn't your fault, and you aren't a monster. Say it"

You shook your head, eyes wide with shock.

"I can't-"

"You can" Tony scowled. "Say it"

"I...I can't help what hydra made me do" You relented.

"And?"

"It's...it's not.. my fault" You struggled.

"And?"

You looked at Tony, tears slipping down your face.

"Don't make me say it" You whispered. "I can't say it"

"You have to say it" Tony reached out and dried a few of your tears. "It's true"

"I...I'm not...I'm not a monster" You chocked out, crying harder.

Tony held you and let you cry.

"It's going to be okay" Tony said in a comforting tone. "I'm right here, and it's going to be okay"

You nodded into him and continued to let him hold you.

You'd stay like that forever if you could.


	4. Old Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay just a note, in my brain Natasha hasn't had time to die her hair blonde yet, so it's still red. This chapter is really tame but I don't care because it makes me happy and you don't have to read my work if you don't like it...so.. :P

~Tony's POV~

Tony stared down at the phone in his hand bitterly.

_'Come on. Get over yourself, you're doing this for her'_ Tony thought resolutely, finally dialing the number he'd avoided for the longest time.

The ringing felt like it dragged on forever, and Tony thought about hanging up at least twice.

"Hello?" Steve's familiar voice sounded.

"Hey Capsicle" Tony said tiredly.

"Tony?" Steve sounded almost happy. "Is that you?"

"Yeah it's me" Tony rolled his eyes, even though he knew no one saw him.

"Do you need something?" Now Steve sounded confused.

"Actually, yes" Tony braced himself. "I need you to come back. All of you"

"Bucky?"

"Yeah, Bucky too. Bucky, Sam, Nat. All of you" Tony held the phone to his ear using his shoulder while he picked at his nails.

"To, what, arrest us?" Steve sounded bitter.

Well at least he was open.

"No, I need you're help with something. Particularly you and.... Bucky's help" Tony sighed heavily. "Look I know I don't deserve anything from you and frankly you don't deserve a damn thing from me but I figure we can trade a favor for a favor, because this isn't about me"

"Tony, what the hell are you talking about?" Steve questioned.

"Y'know Baron Zemo? Tried to kill us, framed Bucky, killed the other soldiers?" Tony began.

"Ya, I remember him. What about him?"

"Well, he kind of didn't succeed in killing all the super soldiers. There was-"

"Kind of?"

"Will you _please_ let me finish and then ask questions? One of the soldiers survived and she's here at avenger's quarters trying to recover and I think it'd actually benefit her to meet Barnes. They have a similar background, similar history. She blames herself for a lot of what she's done and she's-"

"I know I'm interrupting again but..."

"But?"

"But, how is that acceptable, but you moving on from Bucky's mistake isn't?"

Tony rubbed a hand over his face.

"Steve, I know Bucky couldn't control what he did. I get that. I swear to you that I won't lay a single hand on him ever again. But I can't move on from the fact that he _murdered my parents_. Maybe I will someday down the road, but I sure won't right now"

The line was quiet for a while.

"Okay, I understand that" Steve replied evenly. "So this is for the soldier? Nothing else?"

"Right. And in return, I'll pull some strings so that no one has to face charges for what they've done"

"Can you do that?"

"I've talked with Fury already. It's gonna be hard, but it's doable"

Steve's laughter crackled over the phone.

"What?" Tony asked, a little too harshly.

"All of this for one person? Is it a girl?"

"Helicarrier will pick you up soon as possible, after you send your coordinates" Tony avoided the questions.

"We'll be here"

~Time skip and Your POV~

You sat on your bed, surfing the internet on your laptop. You were currently looking at various space educational videos. You heard a small knock on your door before Tony walked in and stood at the doorway.

"Tony! Why didn't you tell me we've landed on the moon?!" You spun your laptop around to show him. "Is this real?!"

"Yes, it's real" Tony chuckled. "I have visitors for you"

You closed your laptop and set it to the side before turning back to face him.

"Who?" You questioned, starting to feel nervous.

Tony stepped in the room towards you and you got up to stand behind him, trying to feel safer.

"Guys, come on in" Tony motioned.

Two taller men walked into the room. One had darker hair with some stubble. He wore a thick hoodie and baseball cap and, frankly, looked uncomfortable. The other was blonde with a thicker beard and a uniform that looked-

"Are you-" You moved closer, but remained behind Tony, holding onto his arm. "Are you Captain America?"

"Yes, but around here I'm just Steve Rogers" Steve sounded surprised. "You know me?"

"Yeah, I'm from the forties. Everyone knows you!" You stopped and looked at the ground. "Knew you"

"This is (y/n), by the way" Tony smiled.

"Oh, sorry" You looked ashamed again.

"It's alright" Steve nudged his buddy.

"I'm Bucky" The stranger spoke. "Do I know you? You look familiar"

"You too" You squinted at him, trying to place him somewhere in your life.

Tony cleared his throat.

"You didn't tell him?" Tony asked, sounding a little tense.

You stiffened beside him, not exactly knowing why. He looked back at you and gave you a reassuring smile, making you relax.

"Sorry, I thought it'd be easier this way" Steve muttered. "Bucky, (y/n)'s an ex-assassin like you. She was also captured by hydra and brainwashed, and she's on the road to recovery. We thought you two meeting would help you guys have someone to relate to"

The room was quiet for several long minutes.

"I...hate the cold" Bucky stated awkwardly.

"Buck!" Steve almost scolded.

"What? What do you want me to say?" Bucky held up his hands in surrender.

You let out a small laugh at their antics. 

"Me too" You complied. "Reminds you of the chambers?"

Bucky actually smiled and nodded a little bit.

"Ice cream helped me get over it a little" Bucky suggested.

"I'll look into that, Manchurian Candidate" Tony broke in. "You guys'll have more time to talk, but for now you probably want somewhere to sleep and something to eat"

"We'd appreciate that. Thank you, Tony" Steve gave a half-smile.

It felt forced to you.

"(Y/n), you have one more visitor. I'm not gonna stay, but I trust her, so you don't have to worry about anything, okay?" Tony said, beginning to lead the two men out of the room.

"Okay" You responded, moving back to sit on your bed.

"Hey stranger" You heard a soft voice call from your doorway. "Mind if I come in?"

"Sure" You smiled. "I'm (y/n)"

"I'm Natasha" The red-head smiled at you. "I'm a friend of Tony's. We used to work together"

"Used to?" You questioned, furrowing your brows.

"Well, it's complicated" Natasha gave a tight lipped smile. "So, I hear that you're kinda new to this era"

You really appreciated Natasha avoiding the whole ex-assassin thing, and you decided that she was a pretty cool person. After all, you figured that everyone knew at this point. Many of the agents gave you dirty looks as you passed them in the hallways, and it was becoming harder to ignore them. You nodded your response at Natasha and she continued, completely unfazed at your un-talkative nature. 

"Well you have a lot of catching up to do then!" Natasha looked you up and down with a smirk. "I should take you to a club sometimes, once you're ready for it. You're so cute that the guys would be all over you!"

"Oh, thank you" You blushed at the compliment. "You're really pretty too"

"Well, I best be heading off" Natasha gave a small wave towards you and headed towards the door. "Bye"

"Bye" You waved back. "It was nice to meet you"

"You too. Oh, by the way, Fury wants to see you in an hour" With that she left.

You laid back on your bed and reflected on the interactions. These people had history with Tony, and it made you want to learn more about their past. The more you thought about it the more you realized that you didn't know all that much about Tony, even after all he'd done to help you out. You resolved to change that little fact. Your thoughts then turned to what Fury wanted from you, and then to how your last therapy session went. Was he going to diagnose you? Or try to treat you? Did he think you were too far gone, and therefore not worth your time?

You turned over towards your clock to watch the minutes tick by.


	5. Update

Hey guys so kind of bad news. I'm not going to be posting on this work for a bit. It's not that I don't like it, I just feel a bit stuck with it. And I'm really unsatisfied with how the last chapter turned out, as well as the drafts for the next chapter. I do love this concept, and I have many ideas written down, but I just need a break from it. I'm so sorry to those who have been reading faithfully, but I promise that I'm going to start this back up by August. In the meantime, I have a fic that I'm drafting which is a Bucky/reader omegaverse fic, and I'll most likely preview it tomorrow. (Also I may write a smutty Steve/reader one shot and put it up Wednesday or Friday, but we'll see). Thanks so much for your continued understanding and support! See ya lovelies!


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